


wednesday, april 17

by royalworldtraveler



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-15 14:01:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18500470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/royalworldtraveler/pseuds/royalworldtraveler
Summary: i feel like i’m in a burning building. i can feel the heat around me, and i can see the fire getting closer and closer. it’s a matter of seconds before i turn into ash. the only way out is the open window, but it’s a really fucking tall building. kurt cobain said something about it being better to burn than to fade away. i disagree.





	wednesday, april 17

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fade_away](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fade_away/gifts).



> gifting this to you because your writing makes me hurt. thank you, but save some talent for the rest of us. 
> 
> (please heed the tags, and stay safe out there. you're not alone.)

Wednesday, April 17

7:43 p.m.

mom

i was five when you took me to my first day of school. larry had work. (i remember that fight. i couldn’t sleep because of the screams). you cried when i walked away from you. i was so excited to learn, to show everyone how good i was at reading because my mom already taught me how. i heard the tears in your voice as you wished me good luck, so i turned around, ran back to you, and squeezed my arms around your hips like it was the last time. an hour ago, before you left for yoga, i did the same. this time, it really was the last.

don’t be sad. i’m not worth it.

 

Wednesday, April 17

7:50 p.m.

larry

these are my last words to you, so i’m going to be honest. (you won’t be able to ground me because i’ll be dead). i don’t know if you and mom were ever happy before you had me, but seeing as i’ve never heard anything positive about your marriage from either of you, i’m going to guess that it’s never been ideal. what i’m really sure of is that everything got a lot worse when i came along. i know you tried. you need to know that i know you tried. the yelling and the grounding and the scolding weren’t as bad as when you gave up. the therapy didn’t work because all i wanted was to talk to you and actually feel heard. i wanted to draw with you, not play catch. i wanted you to be proud of me. i’m sorry i was never good enough for that to happen.

i know you tried.

 

Wednesday, April 17

7:55 p.m.

zoe

i don’t remember when you were born because i was two, but that also means i don’t remember my life without you in it. that time you scribbled stars on my bedroom wall and i freaked out way more than i should have. granted, i was seven. that time we got drunk together when mom and dad were in florida. the old family vacations. remember italy? you tried to set me up with that girl from the gelato shop, emma i think? we were sitting at a table outside, under a tiny umbrella that did nothing to help with the heat, when i told you that i didn’t like emma, or bethany from school, or any other girl ever. you’re the only person i came out to.

i’m sorry. i’m sorry for taking everything out on you. i’m sorry for being the worst brother imaginable. you deserve so much better than me.

 

Wednesday, April 17

8:18 p.m.

evan

i’ve never told you this, but i noticed you a long time before we became friends. before the trainwreck that was your presentation on daisy buchanan sophomore year. i noticed you around week two of ninth grade. you definitely won’t remember this, but we had biology and ancient world history together. you sat in the back right corner in history, probably because mr. eckleburg terrified you, and you never talked or really did anything other than buzz in your seat. i was in the back left corner. in biology, you sat in the very front. you smiled so wide during our botany unit. that’s probably when i fell in love with your smile, and that’s probably when i started falling in love with the rest of you. surprise. sorry for not telling you. didn’t want to ruin what we have. had, i guess. present and past tense get confusing when you’ll be dead in an hour.

evan, you’re everything good in this world. i have no idea why you want to be my friend, or why you started talking to me in the first place. i’m glad you did.

please please please don’t think this is your fault. it’s not. you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

i feel like i’m in a burning building. i can feel the heat around me, and i can see the fire getting closer and closer. it’s a matter of seconds before i turn into ash. the only way out is the open window, but it’s a really fucking tall building. kurt cobain said something about it being better to burn than to fade away. i disagree.

i love you. i love you more than anything. there’s no possible way that you love me as much as i love you, or that you’ll miss me more than i’ll miss you when i’m gone. i don’t even believe in god, but i believe that i’ll miss you when i’m dead. i miss you twenty minutes after you leave. i miss you when we raincheck one of our saturdays together. sometimes i’m with you and i still miss you.

this isn’t on you. it’s entirely on me. i’m sorry.

  


 

Two minutes after the pills are in his system, three minutes after he's sent his last texts, Connor’s sitting on his bed. Four empty orange bottles are strewn out before him. Lamictal, Latuda, Clonazepam, Trazodone.

 

He faintly registers buzzing, a lot of buzzing and pings from the abandoned phone on the end of his bed.

 

Someone’s calling, but he doesn’t look. He lets it go to voicemail.

 

The rest is silence.

 

_______

  


“Connor. Connor, ohmygod, Connor, please don’t. Don’t do this to me, you _can’t_ do this to me. You’re...you’re my everything, and I’ve been- I’ve been _desperately_ in love with you for the longest time, and you can’t- you can’t leave, _please_ don’t leave, you said you wouldn’t leave. You’re worth so much, Connor, you’re worth _everything_. I want to give you everything I have. Everything I am is...it’s you, Connor, it’s you. You’re everything I need. You’re everything I have. Please...please don’t. I’m coming over. Mom’s asleep but I’m taking the car, I’m on my way, stay right there and don’t you dare die on me. Don’t you...don’t you fucking dare, Connor. Please. Please. Please.”

**Author's Note:**

> royalworldtraveler on tumblr.


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